A couple of things

Children are morbid.

"The old lady had fractured her arms and legs. But she is fine."

Will all the forces of everything good and pure tell me how to mark this in compositions?

Unbelievably, I am going to say the following:

Avatar, in spite of being obviously and disgustingly overhyped, is actually worth your 6 bucks (if you're a student). I have it on good authority, trust me.

The meaning of happy

I love the view from up here, it is _____________.

1) pretty as a picture

2) gay as a lark

3) pleasant as a wind breeze (or obvious equivalent)

4) I forgot what but you get the sense of what is being asked.

Ask children what "gay as a lark" means and all I get are delighted smiles. Thank you, twentieth century for producing such a happy alternative meaning to the word. 

Note: The answer is 1)

UPDATE: And did I mention? I have to teach them cheesy composition phrases like "as eager as a bridegroom". And everyone knows what it is that the bridegroom is really getting excited about.

Lessons

I do realise that I am blogging a lot about my sad life as a tutor, but please bear with me...

Lesson #1

Student (muttering indistinctly): oliveristerrible...

Me: What?

Student (giggling slightly embarrassedly): Oh, I got this classmate call Oliver. Because it rhymes with terrible, he called Oliver is so terrible.

(pause)

Me: But Oliver doesn't rhyme with terrible... (tries it out) oliver...terrible...
(nope. there's the 'l' which gives 'terrible' a lilt at the end that 'oliver' doesn't have.)

Me: Umm. It might be a very weak rhyme. It doesn't rhyme at all, unless you say "terrible" as "terriber", and even then...

Student (quickly): Oh, My classmates's english is lousy one. When teacher is explaining in class, all they do is talk and laugh.

Me (seizing oppourtunity, adds sanctimoniously): Aha! See! If you all had been paying attention, you all would be able to rhyme properly.

Lesson #2

A conversation sometime ago. Heavily edited by scabbed memory.

Me: But why do you always wear black?

Morphie: **********

Me: Is your cupboard full of clothes that's black?

Morphie: **********

Me: Boring. (Quickly realises that is not a question) Umm. Do you like black?

Morphie: **********

Me (is quickly exhausted): You know. There was a point to me asking all those questions.

Morphie: And that is...?

Me: Er... I was attempting to conduct an experiment a lecturer said we should try, and that is to answer a question with another question.

Morphie: You don't have to. You already do that all the time.

Lesson #3

Me: And so, let me tell you, children nowdays are incredibly gossipy and irritating. And its not even the girls.

B: What happened?

Me: The irritating kaypoh kid, and a boy mind you, asked me if why I was dressed so nicely in a floral blouse. I remembered ignoring him, and the twit went on to ask me if I was meeting my boyfriend. I ignored him and went to write something on the board, and he asked me if I was going to a candle-lit dinner. I said dryly that it was a little too early for dinner as it wasn't even 3 in the afternoon then. He then asked me if I was going out to study and I replied that I was going home after tuition. Let me repeat. Children are full of obnoxious questions.

B: But that's because you didn't answer his first question. He'll stop if you just explained why you wore what you were wearing.

Me: Oh yeah...
(To be honest, I hadn't even thought I was even dressed that nicely... But on helpful advice and hindsight, if I had chosen to point out that I didn't think I was dressed that nicely, I might have had an easier time that day in class.)

Teacher's Day

This here is a poem by Jack Prelutsky. Happy Teachers' Day indeed.


The Creature in the Classroom

By Jack Prelutsky

From The Baby Uggs are Hatching

It appeared inside our classroom
at a quarter after ten,
it gobbled up the blackboard,
three erasers and a pen.
It gobbled teachers apple
and it bopped her with the core.
"How dare you!" she responded.
"You must leave us...there’s the door."

The creature didn’t listen
but described an arabesque
as it gobbled all her pencils,
seven notebooks and her desk.
Teacher stated very calmly,
"Sir! you simply cannot stay.
I’ll report you to the principal
unless you go away!"

But the thing continued eating,
it ate paper, swallowed ink.
As it gobbled up our homework,
I believe I saw it wink.
Teacher finally lost her temper.
"OUT!" she shouted at the creature.
The creature hopped beside her
and GLOPP...it gobbled teacher.

Source: http://www.jackprelutsky.com/flash/parentPoems/CreatureClassroom.pdf

Incidentally, I received stickers with 'A+' and 'Perfect' from one of my students. How neat is that? It's oddly touching that they seem to think that you would want stickers like that, and kid you not, I do appreciate them.

Creatively Written: Diary Entry

Welcome ladies and gentlemen! Step up this way to the first ever Borders Books and Movies Fair at the Expo!

Dear blog-san,

Today, I went to the Borders Book (and Movie) Fair at the Singapore Expo. It was a lot of fun. In the morning, after eating a delicious breakfast which consisted of bread from the bakery downstairs, I flipped through the newspaper and saw the advertisement for the fair once again. After a few minutes of indecision, I decided to just go for it, since it was so tempting. Hoping to catch a ride in my father's taxi to the bus stop, I went down quickly after dressing to meet him at the carpark.

Upon seeing my father and his relief driver there, I greeted the both of them cheerfully and settled down for the short ride. However, upon nearing the bus stop, my father made a turn towards Hougang instead, and I was left stranded in the car and headed in the wrong direction. As if to dampen my trip further, my bus loomed up just after my father had passed the bus stop. Red with silent fury, I sulked while my father dropped off the relief driver. To my relief however, my father offered instead to drive me to the Expo! I nearly jumped for joy, but recalled in time that I was in my father's cab!

Stuck on cloud nine, I could not resist grinning from ear to ear all the way there. On reaching, I made a beeline for the fair immediately. All at once, I seemed to be wading against a sea of human bodies, and it was all very exciting. As I browsed through the varied selection of fiction, all priced cheaply, I even found two copies of a school text that I needed for the coming semester. How lucky!

Here is the list of books I bought*:

The Harmony Silk Factory; Tash Aw
On Friendship; Michel de Montaigne
The Ladies of Grace Adieu; Susanna Clark
A Clockwork Orange; Anthony Burgess
The Republic; Plato
Plays; Anton Chehkov
One Hundred Great Books in Haiku; David Bader
The Secrets of a Fire King; Kim Edwards
Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell; Susanna Clark
Mozart's Journey to Prague; Eduard Morike
The Ingenious Edgar Jones; Elizabeth Garner
Perfume; Patrick Suskind

Two hours later, tired but pleased, I made my way out of the Expo with my purchases safely stashed away in my backpack. I love book shopping!

Lots of love,
XXX

*Somehow, I don't see the persona of the diary writer reading this kind of books, but nevermind
_____________________________

Now. Admit it. How many of the phrases did you come across in your youthful days of composition writing? I can't believe I have to teach phrases like "jumped for joy", "tired but pleased" and "grinning from ear to ear" in my classes. The cliches are threatening to make my eyes drop out from rolling too much. Also, I really must find something else to harp on other than tuition....

Ity and Bity

Children nowadays should not be underestimated.
See here, the (almost) accurate true-life accounts from a first-hand source.

Lost Notes from the Memory Bin
Exibit #1
At the tender age of 9, they curse better than hardcore sailors:

Go to _ _ _ _
S_ _ _
Various choice Hokkien epithets.
I F_ _ _ Y_ _ (said to me) *you idiot. I am not into being a paedophile. Plus, the next second, you complain that phrases like kiss and make up are "eww" and "gross". If ONLY you know what that word means.*

Here, one must wonder. If I point out that F_ _ _ is a bad word for "kissing", do you think they'll buy it and stop using that damnable vulgarity?? I expect angry parents would go after me instead.
Of course, vulgarities are not directed at only me, but more frequently, at each other.

Exhibit #2
They whine better than anyone else.

It's not even the vulgarities that kill me. No. Not when certain of your friends and the TV use them all the time. (Thank you, TV, and friends, for building up my insensitivity)

It's. the. whining.
Everytime one of the boys says something rude, the girls will start protesting: "teacher! Teacher! TEACHER! TEACHER! XX USE THAT WORD!"
*yes. I heard that. Now stop whining. I'm getting a headache*

Teacher clears throat: "XX! Stop using vulgarities! It's very rude!" *sigh. groan*
XX: "S_ _ _ lah" (glowers at other boy, who says something just as rude in return)
Girls *altogether now, 1,2,3*: "TEACHER! WHINE..WHINE...WHINE..."
*uggh. stop! stop! Your whining is worse than the swearing! Ignore them! If you show that you aren't bothered by their bloody (oops) swearing, they'll get bored and stop! Stop whining already!*
bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Exhibit #3
The Artful Dodger (Singapore Edition)

Flashback:
Teacher: "JJ! What are you doing standing on that chair? Why are the tables and chairs like this?" (gestures at classroom, which has been turned into a maze after class has ended)
Girl 1+2: "His name is not JJ."
Teacher (baffled): "Eh?"
Girl 1 bangs on the table.
Teacher (intelligibly): "Huh? Table?"
Girls giggle. "No. He's called Knockknock!"
*I see.*
Girl 2: "Actually, before this, he had another name."
Teacher: "Oh? What's that?"
Girl 2: "He is called Food-stealer!"
Teacher glowers accusingly at JJ: "Did u steal food?" JJ protests: "No!"
Girl 2: "Yes! He stole my sandwich before. The small kind."

-End Flashback-

It is the end of class. Deja vu anyone?
I pack, and am ready to leave when I recall that I had lent one of the students my pen.

Attempt One to retrieve pen: FAIL
(notes: imitating the trademark coy, wide-eye innocence of student does not work)

Attempt Two to retrieve pen: PASS
(notes: but now, the marker (on loan from office) is in student's possession)

Attempt Three to retrieve one's own item: NEVERMIND

As I leave the class, the evil artful dodger decides that it'll be funny to pick my bag. Naturally, having anticpated this from Day 1 since I got this bag, the only a pickpocket will be able to steal will be something useless, like my water bottle, which is of the old, cheap plastic variety. It's a pity, after wrangling all my items back, I forgot the stupid bottle. It's not something that I miss, but I was rather thirsty on my way home.
______________________________

It's odd. But even with all these nonsense, I seem to well, enjoy meeting them week after week.